Uncyclopaedia

A little while ago I joined a couple of webrings, which are like virtual blog clubs. One is called BritBlog, the other one BloggingBrits. The main reason I joined is that they have natty little flag logos that appear on one's website.

Anyway, much to my horror, I got an emailed notice today that BritBlog has started publishing a Top Ten of its most visited member blogs and - even worse - a Bottom Ten. Before now, I wasn't much worried that my humble blog was only visited by less than nine people (that includes my visits four times a day whenever I want to remind myself what I did last week). But now, I am terrified. What if I appear in the Bottom Ten - the most unloved, awful, boring websites on the world wide web? To give you an idea of how all to easy this would be to do, the blogs in the Top Ten get up to 5,000 visits a day. The Bottom Ten get between one and three.

Now, I bet you're thinking, why don't you just withdraw from the webring? Well, this is easier said than done. Apparently I am a link in a chain. If I withdraw, it screws everything up. I had to agree not to screw things up when I joined. I could go back on my word and screw things up anyway, but the webbloggers have obvious ways of extracting vengeance.

So my only alternative is to start being more thrilling and controversial.

* * *

OK, so I just sat here for 15 minutes trying to think of something thrilling and/or controversial. Didn't get very far, so instead I am going to resort to plain theft and steal something from this brilliant website called the Uncyclopaedia. Its definitions are far better than anything in the EB. For example:

Washington
Depending on context, Washington is variously a person, a city and a state.

The person

George Washington (1732-1799) was America's first Prime Minister. Along with Dwight Eisenhower he stormed the beaches of Normandy, found them to be full of Communists and announced, "I shall return." He also authored the American classics the Declaration of Independence and the Adventures of Huckleberry Finn. That latter work earned him a place in history, as his mug now decorates the American three-dollar bill.After adding the much cooler sounding "Carver" to his last name, He went on to invent the peanut, peanut butter, jelly, (but oddly did not put 2 and 2 together and invent the PBJ) and the poorly received peanut prophylactic

The city
With a burgeoning population of 710,000, the city of Washington is Utah's fourth largest city, after Spokane, Gary and Andermatt. Most Washingtonians are proud to be part of the city's vibrant cultural heritage, which includes luring tourists to their deaths under cover of darkness.

The state
The state of Washington is reputed to constitute that feeling in-between happiness and nervousness, as when one discovers that the condom they thought they lost in the back seat is in fact just to hand.


England

England was founded in 753 BC by the master race, marked by bad teeth and an addiction to crumpets. Modern English still believe themselves to be better than everyone else, but centuries of breeding with outsiders has made this no longer the case. (This is in contrast to France, whose inhabitants believe themselves superior, but in fact, never were.) At the height of its power, England controlled nearly one third of the world. Its colonies have since become independent, with the notable exceptions of Alaska and Palestine. The national sport of England is making up Oscar Wilde quotes while eating pie. The economy of Britain is supported primarily by Cloud Mentioning and Marmite.

Some famous people from England: King James, who wrote the bible. L Ron Hubbard, founder of Scientology. George Washington. (I didn't know that! 222B) Margaret Thatcher.

Cloudy

Standard-issue weather in Britain, it is in fact the official dogma of the Church of England that all clouds originate in the British Isles. Washington, Oregon, and Michigan also claim to have clouds, but Britain has a copyright on that weather pattern, and has sued them for billions and billions