Bank Holiday Truths

1) If the temperature rises over 75 degrees, a) every paper will run a picture of a model in a bikini on Brighton beach on its front page, and b) the weathermen on TV will do a sharp intake of breath and say "It was a scorcher!"

2) The fattest, juiciest blackberry lurks behind the most vicious clump of stinging nettles.

3) Even if you only brush against them very fast, nettles will still sting.

4) The litre bottle of Pimms at the village fete tombola will be won by a six year old boy. If you are lucky, you will win a slightly dented can of Baked Beans.

5) The last slice of cake at the tea stall will be sold just as you approach the front of the queue.

6) Noone has ever Bashed The Rat. That's why there are never any prizes on display.

7) The children's Egg and Spoon race will be won by a suspiciously muscular ten year old wearing a buzzcut and a Real Madrid shirt.

8) There is no correlation between the presence of numerous attractive hanging baskets outside public houses and the attractiveness of the clientele within.

9) Barmaids wait until they have already pulled you three pints of Woodpecker before mentioning the landlord has a delectable limited edition local scrumpy out the back.