I Love 7s
Before I start my tale du jour, I just want to update you on my newest find at El Gigante. It calls itself 'Chutter!' and its label says it is a "cold packed pressed cheese food". After a fruitless fifteen minutes rummaging through the El Gigante cheese bin looking for something recognizable as having definitely come from a cow, I am afraid Chutter didn't quite sell itself to me as a viable dairy purchase option, but I may change my mind if enough readers persuade me that sampling is necessary in the name of scientific discovery. It is the bicentennary of Lewis and Clark, after all.
* * *
Actually, today I want to be fair to Middleofnowheresville. Oh yes, I know I may seem a little hard on the old place sometimes, although many of my gripes could be just as well targeted at anywhere else supermarkets operate in the United States.
But a couple of weeks ago I discovered that the town I have been living in for the last three years harbors one of the most fervent underground communities of activists on the continent.
Activists campaigning about what, you may ask? Animal rights? Global warming? Iraq? The right to own assault rifles?
None of the above. In fact, the community I have stumbled upon, and of which I am alternately ashamed and proud to have recently become a member, consists of a bunch of people who are angry about the fact they bought fake 7 jeans on Ebay.
Yes, I know. Don't we have anything better to do? Aren't there more productive ways to channel one's time and energy? World poverty for example, or keeping the UK out of the EU?
Probably. But there are so many enjoyable things about this community (known as the I Love 7s) that one really can't find anywhere else...
Let me mention just a few of them:
1) There is no commitment to do anything. Just moaning is perfectly fine. Some people actually do do something, but they are seen as possibly a little bit crazy.
2) Membership is free, save for whatever you paid for your fake jeans on Ebay. The more you paid, the more you have the moral right to rant and rave (counter-intuitively, it turns out there is actually a negative correlation between stupidity and amount paid for fake jeans)
3) Every activist community must have an enemy. Refreshingly, unlike most activist groups, our enemies are not our fellow community members. While a little rage and venting is saved for the people who actually peddle this stuff as "Trust Me: 100% Authentic!!", most is mostly self-directed ("hey, look how stupid I am! I thought I was getting a genuine pair of pink A pocket 7s for $9!" ). Interestingly, most members are not anti-counterfeiting per se: no-one, apart from maybe me, seems to want to bring the entire fake jean industry to its knees.
4) Activist communities really need an organizing master genius. The master genius behind ours calls himself "Honest Dave" and claims to live right here in MiddleofNowheresville. Unusually for online-based activist community leaders (although I suppose perfectly normal at the SPECTRE/Dr Evil end of the master genius chart), Honest Dave is a shadowy figure, and it not even clear whether he is a 7 jeans lover or just likes reading the rantings of crazy and/or stupid people. He does have a frontman, however, another alleged 'Nowheresville resident named Hil. According to Hil's online photo, she is a young blonde cheerleader. Believe it or not, as your taste dictates...
5) Every activist community must have a doctrine, and I Love 7s is no exception. Not to be outdone by Karl Marx, our hallowed manifesto is written entirely in German - apart from the title, No Fake Jeans. It was written by a woman called Birgitta who lives somewhere in Germany; I'm not sure exactly where because I can't understand any German. Anyway, Birgitta is generally acknowledged to be the greatest, most influential living authority on the subject of not buying fake jeans. The one good thing about Birgitta's manifesto being in German is that the counterfeiters probably can't understand it: the bad thing is that neither can anyone else.
6) Any decent self respecting activist community should be infiltrated by double agents. The jury's out on this one: I'm not so sure that any counterfeiter could be bothered trawling through all our petty moans to glean the odd tidbits of intelligence such as BLM has taken principessacosa to SquareTrade mediation over her fake black bootcut Flynts, or that that someone's spotted that the font on the label cut number should be sans serif, or that the inside waistband 7 stamp should be a sort of orangey yellow not a greeny yellow, but hey, you never know.
I could go on but I want to stop to deal with the question that some intelligent readers - obviously not I Love 7s - may be asking themselves at this point. Where is the company that makes genuine 7s in all this drama? The answer is that they feature not at all. The I Love 7s are too ashamed, it seems, to want to own up to the 7 For All Mankind company that they tried to buy their jeans on Ebay. And the 7 company seems to be completely ignorant of the efforts of Birgitta, Honest Dave, Hil, BLM and all the rest.
Of course, I couldn't let that state of affairs continue, oh no... In the best traditions of the Human Guinea Pig (see postings below) I felt I needed to strike a blow for the timid, the oppressed and the plain stupid of the world. And so I rang up 7 For All Mankind in California. In case anyone's interested, here is the verbatim transcript of my conversation.
Phonewoman "Yes, who do you want?"
Me "Is this 7?"
RudePhonewoman "Who do you want?"
Me "7 please"
RudePhonewoman "Who do you want?"
Me " I don't know, I could only find your main switchboard number. I'm calling because I was sold a pair of counterfeit 7s and I would like to bring down the perpetrator please"
RudePhone woman: "What did you say?"
Me "Anti-counterfeiting department, do you have one?"
Rudestupidphonewoman: "Uh??"
Me: "OK, fakes then. Who deals with fake jeans?"
Rudestupidphone woman: "I'd better put you upstairs"
(Lengthy pause)
Man: "Hello"
Me: "Who am I speaking to please?"
Man: "Rick"
Me: "Ah. I'm trying to speak to someone about counterfeit jeans."
Rick: "Big problem."
Me: "Quite. Well, I was sold a pair of 7s that I think are fake, and I would like to bring down the perpetrator please."
Rick: (livening up considerably) "Great! Tell me where they are, and we'll arrest them!"
Me: "Wow, brilliant! Well, she's operating out of an address in Texas, I think it might be her home, and -"
Rick: "You didn't buy them in a store?"
Me: "Erm, no. " (bracing self) "I bought them on Ebay actually."
Rick: "Oh well. In that case you only have yourself to blame. Nothing we can do. "
Me: "But I have their address.... "
Rick: "Nope."
Me: "But - you're losing millions and millions in revenue and brand reputation as a result of their evil machinations!"
Rick: "Sorry."
Me: "Well, don't you even want me to send you the jeans so you can pick them apart and analyse them in your ultra hi-tech-counterfeit laboratories?"
Rick: "No.
Me: "No?"
Rick: "But we appreciate your interest in 7. Have you tried our new Swarovski crystal patterns yet...?"
* * *
Metaphors du jour (new, apparently, to Yanks)
kicking my tyres (as in "they want to interview me in person")
downshifting (as in "I'm bored of the commute, I'm moving to become a subsistence farmer in Brittany)
* * *
Actually, today I want to be fair to Middleofnowheresville. Oh yes, I know I may seem a little hard on the old place sometimes, although many of my gripes could be just as well targeted at anywhere else supermarkets operate in the United States.
But a couple of weeks ago I discovered that the town I have been living in for the last three years harbors one of the most fervent underground communities of activists on the continent.
Activists campaigning about what, you may ask? Animal rights? Global warming? Iraq? The right to own assault rifles?
None of the above. In fact, the community I have stumbled upon, and of which I am alternately ashamed and proud to have recently become a member, consists of a bunch of people who are angry about the fact they bought fake 7 jeans on Ebay.
Yes, I know. Don't we have anything better to do? Aren't there more productive ways to channel one's time and energy? World poverty for example, or keeping the UK out of the EU?
Probably. But there are so many enjoyable things about this community (known as the I Love 7s) that one really can't find anywhere else...
Let me mention just a few of them:
1) There is no commitment to do anything. Just moaning is perfectly fine. Some people actually do do something, but they are seen as possibly a little bit crazy.
2) Membership is free, save for whatever you paid for your fake jeans on Ebay. The more you paid, the more you have the moral right to rant and rave (counter-intuitively, it turns out there is actually a negative correlation between stupidity and amount paid for fake jeans)
3) Every activist community must have an enemy. Refreshingly, unlike most activist groups, our enemies are not our fellow community members. While a little rage and venting is saved for the people who actually peddle this stuff as "Trust Me: 100% Authentic!!", most is mostly self-directed ("hey, look how stupid I am! I thought I was getting a genuine pair of pink A pocket 7s for $9!" ). Interestingly, most members are not anti-counterfeiting per se: no-one, apart from maybe me, seems to want to bring the entire fake jean industry to its knees.
4) Activist communities really need an organizing master genius. The master genius behind ours calls himself "Honest Dave" and claims to live right here in MiddleofNowheresville. Unusually for online-based activist community leaders (although I suppose perfectly normal at the SPECTRE/Dr Evil end of the master genius chart), Honest Dave is a shadowy figure, and it not even clear whether he is a 7 jeans lover or just likes reading the rantings of crazy and/or stupid people. He does have a frontman, however, another alleged 'Nowheresville resident named Hil. According to Hil's online photo, she is a young blonde cheerleader. Believe it or not, as your taste dictates...
5) Every activist community must have a doctrine, and I Love 7s is no exception. Not to be outdone by Karl Marx, our hallowed manifesto is written entirely in German - apart from the title, No Fake Jeans. It was written by a woman called Birgitta who lives somewhere in Germany; I'm not sure exactly where because I can't understand any German. Anyway, Birgitta is generally acknowledged to be the greatest, most influential living authority on the subject of not buying fake jeans. The one good thing about Birgitta's manifesto being in German is that the counterfeiters probably can't understand it: the bad thing is that neither can anyone else.
6) Any decent self respecting activist community should be infiltrated by double agents. The jury's out on this one: I'm not so sure that any counterfeiter could be bothered trawling through all our petty moans to glean the odd tidbits of intelligence such as BLM has taken principessacosa to SquareTrade mediation over her fake black bootcut Flynts, or that that someone's spotted that the font on the label cut number should be sans serif, or that the inside waistband 7 stamp should be a sort of orangey yellow not a greeny yellow, but hey, you never know.
I could go on but I want to stop to deal with the question that some intelligent readers - obviously not I Love 7s - may be asking themselves at this point. Where is the company that makes genuine 7s in all this drama? The answer is that they feature not at all. The I Love 7s are too ashamed, it seems, to want to own up to the 7 For All Mankind company that they tried to buy their jeans on Ebay. And the 7 company seems to be completely ignorant of the efforts of Birgitta, Honest Dave, Hil, BLM and all the rest.
Of course, I couldn't let that state of affairs continue, oh no... In the best traditions of the Human Guinea Pig (see postings below) I felt I needed to strike a blow for the timid, the oppressed and the plain stupid of the world. And so I rang up 7 For All Mankind in California. In case anyone's interested, here is the verbatim transcript of my conversation.
Phonewoman "Yes, who do you want?"
Me "Is this 7?"
RudePhonewoman "Who do you want?"
Me "7 please"
RudePhonewoman "Who do you want?"
Me " I don't know, I could only find your main switchboard number. I'm calling because I was sold a pair of counterfeit 7s and I would like to bring down the perpetrator please"
RudePhone woman: "What did you say?"
Me "Anti-counterfeiting department, do you have one?"
Rudestupidphonewoman: "Uh??"
Me: "OK, fakes then. Who deals with fake jeans?"
Rudestupidphone woman: "I'd better put you upstairs"
(Lengthy pause)
Man: "Hello"
Me: "Who am I speaking to please?"
Man: "Rick"
Me: "Ah. I'm trying to speak to someone about counterfeit jeans."
Rick: "Big problem."
Me: "Quite. Well, I was sold a pair of 7s that I think are fake, and I would like to bring down the perpetrator please."
Rick: (livening up considerably) "Great! Tell me where they are, and we'll arrest them!"
Me: "Wow, brilliant! Well, she's operating out of an address in Texas, I think it might be her home, and -"
Rick: "You didn't buy them in a store?"
Me: "Erm, no. " (bracing self) "I bought them on Ebay actually."
Rick: "Oh well. In that case you only have yourself to blame. Nothing we can do. "
Me: "But I have their address.... "
Rick: "Nope."
Me: "But - you're losing millions and millions in revenue and brand reputation as a result of their evil machinations!"
Rick: "Sorry."
Me: "Well, don't you even want me to send you the jeans so you can pick them apart and analyse them in your ultra hi-tech-counterfeit laboratories?"
Rick: "No.
Me: "No?"
Rick: "But we appreciate your interest in 7. Have you tried our new Swarovski crystal patterns yet...?"
* * *
Metaphors du jour (new, apparently, to Yanks)
kicking my tyres (as in "they want to interview me in person")
downshifting (as in "I'm bored of the commute, I'm moving to become a subsistence farmer in Brittany)
posted by alranson | 8:45 AM
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